In this draft, please pay especially close attention to 1) your problem-failure THESIS and 2) the TOPIC SENTENCES of your paragraphs. Do these topic sentences clearly refer back to the overall claim of your paper? Do they clearly introduce the specific topic/argument of the paragraph? Are there sentences or pieces of information in the paragraph that go off topic? If so, cut them! Or begin a new paragraph that focuses those topics on their own. Remember that each paragraph should focus on just one claim—and everything in the paragraph should be connected back to the claim made in the paragraph's opening sentence.
Read pp. 108-111 of the AGWR for some helpful thoughts on the relationship between your thesis and the claims of your paragraphs.
I'd also like you to think hard about the evidence you're using. Are you relying too much on just one or two sources? Do you have a good balance of popular sources, scholarly sources, government sources, advocacy sources, and other types of evidence? Have you clearly integrated this evidence into your argument, making very clear how each piece of evidence works to support your claims? If you're struggling with integrating evidence, I highly recommend re-reading Chapter 4 of the AGWRon "Citing and Integrating Sources," specifically pp. 63-68!
I need you to write another half page, six pages totally (not include citing pages).
Please help me improve the paper. Every paragraph must begin with a thesis statement. How does the context related? Mark all improvements in different color!!!!
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